I can't believe I am writing such a personal blog, today; but I am. An acquaintance of mine died this week. He was an interesting individual that in many ways, I admired, but in other ways, I saw myself and my own struggles. I didn't ever get very close to him, but I don't think he or I got very close to most people, and I will refer to him as a friend. We had similar backgrounds, we would both undoubtedly be labelled religious fanatics, and found ourselves business owners in the same town. Neither of us were from that city originally and I don't know if he felt the same exclusion that I did, but somehow I think he might have. I know there were views that we held that always kept us out of mainstream, yet never drew the two of us to a personal indepth discussion. When we moved, I had even sent an invitation for him to visit. Funny, he was the one individual from that town that my husband and I genuinely extended a specific invitation to our new place. It wasn't the usual exchange amongst our friends when we shared our new address and the general "keeping in touch plans." I have called him a friend and I have cried several times since hearing of his death, but he never responded to our invitation. This man was a high achiever, intensely motivated, but I felt he never allowed himself to enjoy the "rewards" of his effort. I'm not going to analyze or become philosophical, because I believe that would disrespect his memory. I'll leave the philosphy to the lazy pseudo-intellectuals, because he certainly was not that. I think analysis is best left with those involved in the pseudo-science cult of psychiatry and psychology, as that seems to be a special codependent combination of "supplanters" and "seekers." My friend never seemed to find solace in the "wisdom of man." I do know my friend wanted to know G~d and wanted to please G~d; and like me, had been introduced to condemning religious teachings that dog people for a lifetime. My friend jumped off a bridge into the river, but I really do not believe he died of suicide, I believe he died of exhaustion. The circumstances in which his body was recovered do not align with the usual findings in these situations. It is my heartfelt belief, rather than to die, he merely wanted to leave behind, the life that was silently towing him under. I know in my heart, the river was symbolic of mainstream, with no easy access for many of us, and even fewer that just 'get out' while they are still alive. Now, religious views all differ, when someone completes suicide or dies by a choice they might not make in different circumstances. But who can judge as to whether depression, exhaustion, or sorrow are any less fatal than cancer or organ failure? I firmly believe my friend has truly found G~d and come to receive the comfort he couldn't find in this life, and has finally allowed himself to be embraced in the arms of G~d, who is love.
Herein is love, not that we loved G~d, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
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